09-11-04,Last night I went to bed and felt some intense anger towards what happened to my Tom .
Something else had happened earlier in the day, and the floodgates just opened.
I don't like anger much , and usually try to channel it into something more useful somewhere else in my life .
I generally find anger to be more destructive than constructive.
I think though - that this release last night has helped me to get in touch with that deeply hidden undercover angry ,hurt Me.
The one who screams " Why does this murdering bastard get to live a quasi normal life , and I don't ?".
What gave him the right to kill Tom ?
And why is he still free ?
I fumed, and sobbed .
Gave myself the permission to feel red-hot anger and a smattering of hatred .
I need to de -pressurize myself.
I am too pent-up.
I am also very afraid alot .
The panic attacks are stifling me.
I am not about to let myself get eaten alive by fear.
No way, no how.
I am so busy trying to keep it together .
I have survived 2 years of this strange life , I can and will live fully .
In this battle for my life, I will emerge victorious .
Beaten down a hair, but not down for the count.
