05-28-04,I am not so sad I can't function, not so distressed as to want to die ( never have been), but I am still not normal by any stretch of the imagination.
I am getting these small infrequent panic attacks recently in relation to the upcoming trip to Germany.
I obsess about the stupidest things.
But the root of these fears begin at
the last time I was set to go there July 2002 - my world fell apart before my eyes.
The man was late because he was dead on his office floor with 3 stab wounds.
As he lay dying , I was happily living my daily life , looking forward to what was ahead and wondering why he was so d@mn late.
I forgave myself for that .
I realize the big fear factor residue Tom's murder has left behind.
I have finally stabilized and have been in one location for almost a year now.
I am exploring different facets of myself and expanding my horizons , meeting new people, expressing myself artistically in various ways , getting regular exercise and massages.
I am not standing still.
I am not pushing this all aside .
I know he isn't coming back anymore.
I know this all too well.
And his case is still unsolved.
That's another kettle of fish all together.
I am surviving .
I am proud of that fact.
I have family around me ( that's a 50/50 proposition in itself) and that is mostly positive.
Daughter is the most helpful.
Mother understands more ( or seems to), Dad is more DGIsh than I ever realized.
I am spending some of my time educating him...
But at the same time I have never felt so messed up inside.
I have no energy left from mourning him,attempting to heal myself , and living with this awful drama my life
became -to swear vengeance on the miscreant that did this injustice to Tom.
I am trying ferverently to store my reserves towards positive means.
Trying to find a positive meaning to my life ,
after this horrible loss.
Attempting to figure out how or if my life can be whole again.
I am trying to give myself permission to live .
