10-11-03,I hate being part of a statistic, murder victim survivor.
Yesterday I got a VIN number from the department of justice .Short for" victim identification number". I can go online to a database and see info about Tom's case.
Since Tom died I just haven't watched the news real closely either , it's just too hard.
So much murder, before I use to just think about it for a few seconds and move on. Now it's a huge focus factor of my life.
The hardest question for me of late is "So what do you do?".
I never have an answer anymore. I am usually just dumbfounded for a few minutes . Struggling to make sense of what I am doing.
After I recover- then I have to think, let's see , we moved 5 times in 9 months-
Packing, unpacking, setting up and decorating houses , taking care of everyone ( cooking , shared cleaning duties) and mainly just recovering from this trauma.
Lately I am volunteering , taking art classes, trying to get my daughter's artwork out there ...but it's not much really.
I am at a crossroads . What to do with the next few years.
I don't have to work -but I want a focus for my life . I want to find my niche . Tom 's death left a huge personal and emotional void in my life.
Last night I went to a Widow get together in Houston.
It was so nice to connect to others who had lost their partner.In all this time I never met another widowed person.
The death of your partner is a great equalizer- no matter how they died , we all know the pain .
I felt so nervously alive last night.
I love meeting people, but that old question resurfaces- will they like me ?
Then I realized it's an extra burden to care. Just let me be me.
And we'll see how it goes from there.
