Wednesday, May. 14, 2003,I can function fairly well,however, I also have this just under the surface emptiness that only needs a little nudge to be activated and sucks me into sheer desolation at a moments notice . I recover , but it's always there ready to rearup again .
I have been unmedicated for the past 10 months with the exception of 2 sedatives while I had several dental surgeries. I hate going to the dentist and they had a lot to do - so I said "Dope Me Up".
I needed the vacation from my conscious mind. It was the only time He wasn't there . I dream about him almost every night . Never nightmares, Julie, because I lived through the nightmare. I am surprised I am still standing. The pain during the initial few weeks was mind numbing .
I want to have some control , suppressing my grief and anger and disappointment and pain can only cripple me . He wouldn't want that I don't think.
Grief is in stages from what I understand.
You and I have had our problems over the past 19 years , mostly personality differences....however, we share 2 common truths- we both loved him and agree he was too young to die.
In this we are unanimous.
I initially shared your anger about the money.
However, you need money to live and we had to reframe our feelings about it . He put that money there to protect us all. It's a gift , Julie, a legacy, his will .
Sadly , he could never have given out this money any other way. It's a bitter pill to swallow.
What if you hadn't been included ? Wouldn't you have been angry that you were forgotten ?
He was a hard working , can-do kind of guy , took pride in himself had alot of things to overcome from his background ( his words, not mine ) and was sometimes too brutally honest . Diplomatic he was not. Never had a hidden agenda - you knew what he was thinking most of the time.
I miss him everyday. This man was my whole world for 21 years.
I took his love and kindness for granted . I just figured we had more time together .
You can't replace a Dad Johnson, as Stefanie is also finding out.
